Lines in the Sand

I struggle,

I struggle with toeing the line that I've been given.

I walk right up to the edge of the cliff,

And I want look over

I imagine myself jumping

Falling, falling, falling.

Every minute that passes by

Was it time wasted?

Could I have done more?

An itch, a need to feel

Feel something, feel anything

The heights of pleasure

Or the sharpness of pain

As long as it's not nothing.

As long as I'm not numb.

Wavelengths

I believe in wavelengths.

I believe that all of us, individually, have our own frequencies.

I believe that, just like in music, some of these frequencies can harmonize.

I also believe that some of us are better at tuning into our own frquencies, and the frequencies of those around us, than others.

There are many things that I have learnt over the last 2 years. This one, as I write here on the 1^st of January 2017, seems clearer to me than anything else I know.

There are many ways to describe this. Some call it a “vibe”, some call it a “gut feeling”. To me, it almost feels physical.

Sometimes, just sometimes, our frequencies harmonize. And it's beautiful.

But – that doesn't mean it will always be that way. Sometimes our frequencies change. Actually, they must, because we change as people all the time. Sometimes this means that everything begins to feel wrong. And sometimes, you can still continue to be in harmony.

We ride the wave.

Crash Course

They say that the moon was formed when a giant planet collided into what is now our Earth, and a piece of our planet broke off and started to orbit the newly damaged planet left behind. They say that this is why the Earth is not a perfect sphere. And they say that this incidence was crucial to the formation of life on Earth, for without the moon there would be no us.

And there the moon remains, beautiful yet barren and remote, circling the green Earth in its dark loneliness, pushing and pulling our oceans and keeping us alive.

What if the same thing could happen to us as human beings? What if our whole lives we were placed on a certain path, and we were meant to follow this path? And if we strove towards our goals and never strayed? And then, what if someone else's life collides into yours?

And what if the collision was so magnificent, that your path is altered forever?

And what if a part of you breaks off, never to return again, but remains somehow ever present?

And what if the new you is now a mashup of you and all the little pieces that the other person left behind?

And what if... the new you now contains new life?

There are different kinds of people in this world. We all meet, converse, influence each other in little ways. There are leaders and there are followers. There are decision makers and there are executioners.

And then there are those who make life their own game. Who squeeze it by the balls and refuse to play by the rules. There are those who are afraid of nothing.

And it is they who crash and burn into our lives. And even when they leave, things will never be same again.

Armour

I will be strong.

My body will be my armour for my soul. My skin will be thick and all the shards will bounce off it.

I will protect my heart. Even as my last defences are broken, you will not push through my last one.

And for all the wounds I have taken, I will mend my heart. And every scar will be a reminder.

I will be in control.

I will breathe through the pain. I will ride the waves and allow them to sweep me through the highs and the lows.

As a knife is stuck inside me and twisted in my gut, I will close my eyes.

I will breathe.

I will be strong.

I will live.

Demons

We are running away from ourselves.

An endless race that we will never win. Chased by our shadows, snapping at our heels.

The demons that haunt us will not go away. At best, we can silence them. But always they lurk, waiting patiently in the cracks of our souls.

At worst, they take over us.

We are broken. But we don't know why.

And so we wallow in our brokenness. Because we know nothing else.

Because “normal” doesn't exist. Because we don't understand.

Because we are overtaken by the overwhelming, sickening feeling that something inside us is very wrong.

And so we wander on, existing on the edges of society. Blurred, faded, transparent.

You will see us in the corner of your eye.

Lost in our addictions, lost in ourselves, lost in each other.

It is the biggest tragedy of all; that we, the most fucked up of all, are capable of love. We are capable of loyalty. Your innocence, your sweetness, your decency.

And yet, we simply cannot live with ourselves.

Ocean

It is all a state of mind.

You have to allow it to happen. Be open to it. Embrace it.

You become a spectator of your own life. You have no idea what will happen next; but whatever it is, you will go along with it.

It is perhaps the numbness that is the most addictive.

Letting go of control. Letting go of pain. Letting go of the past. If only temporarily.

You blend into your surroundings. You used to know who you are. It used to be something clear, a picture in your mind: this is me.

But this is no longer true. Now the concept of you is an abstract form. An ever changing, liquid shape. Like water in a jar, you change to fit the situation.

Where do you end and he begins? Is there a clear distinction?

And so the current sweeps you, through raging rapids and massive waterfalls, and you, a helpless leaf pushed and pulled wherever the water takes you. And eventually, you flow into the ocean.

And you drown.

And you drown in him, and you become him, and he becomes you, and there is nothing else.

Just numbing silence.

Untouchables

We are young. We are fearless. We are invincible.

We live fast.

We dream big. Love big. Play big.

The world belongs to us.

The night is ours, the streets are ours.

We will never grow old.

The music thumping in our ears and through our bodies. The floor vibrating, pulsing in our hearts. The blood throbbing through our veins.

We don't play by the rules, because there are no rules.

We ride the tide, wherever it may take us.

Time does not apply to us. We squeeze every last drop out of the moment, and drink it in.

We will prevail.