The Truth

She asked for the truth, and I lied. I lied and I knew that she knew, that she chose to believe me.

When you’re physically hurt, your body numbs itself, but only for a period of time. Eventually your body feels again. But what if you’ve been hurt in other ways? What if all you do all day is sit at home, the curtains drawn, the darkness comforting you? What if nothing matters to you anymore, what if all you have is your head and your thoughts? Are you numb?

Nothing’s changed. Another lie- what will that do to me? I came to our meeting feeling cold and tired, I left feeling just the same. Nothing’s changed.

Lying is protection. A kind of assurance. Those who choose to believe- and I truly believe it’s a choice- have found a way of comforting themselves. I pull the coat tighter around me. I hate the cold and the uncertainty, but I can do nothing about it.

People say that we should live each day as if it’s our last. They talk about traveling, climbing mountains, exploring. Does that mean that spending each day at home is wasting our lives? Wouldn’t it be a way of facing our thoughts instead of ignoring them? Wouldn’t it be more challenging than any adventure in our lives? We would learn more about ourselves spending a day alone than a month of physical challenges. Is not finding out how we truly feel a thousand times more rewarding than discovering the world?

I left knowing that my lie comforted her. I left knowing that she would never seek to hear from me again.

There is no-one to trust but myself. Not the stars, not the sky. Not the people that pass me by as I walk. Not the cold, nor the snow, and especially not the rain.

---

I don’t know what I came expecting today. I don’t know what I wanted. Maybe I wanted an answer, any answer, whether it was the truth or a lie.

I should have known not to ask. Each question leads to another, each answer opens up thousands other possibilities. And even if we just sat there, saying nothing… I know that it would have been the same. Every silence, every unspoken word was heard and understood. A conversation is not all talking, the spaces in between have meanings as well.

It was cold. I knew that she hates the cold, she always did.

I felt weak. I felt like she was stronger because it was I who asked the question, it was I who was uncertain and wavering. I felt like she knew a lot more than I did, that she had all the answers. Maybe she found comfort in this. Maybe we all find comfort in knowing that those around us are as weak as we are, just as confused and just as unsure. Maybe giving answers makes us feel powerful.

It’s raining now. The sky cries for us, the heavens mourn us. My tears fall just as freely now. I cry for what happened today, I cry for myself, and I cry for her. I cry because I will never stop asking questions, because I will never get the answers I need. I cry because it’s cold, because it’s raining. I cry because the people that pass me by aren’t.

I cry because I know that I will never ask the question again.

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Grade 12- we made it!

Ok, school in just about 4 days (no, I'm not counting down!)

Congratulations to everyone who made it- our last year together has approached, and we are in for one heck of a year!

So, what has been happening, then? Mostly people tell me they're so happy to be in 12SA... because both me and Fahmy are in the same class. I tell you: Don't expect anything except his hand finally reaching that damned ceiling- probably in maths class. Me, I'm sitting quietly. No more sarcastic remarks. No more extra chromosomes. My job as the big mouth has passed over- hopefully to Ashhad.

Who knows what this year will bring? Every year I tell myself I'll change and be better- it never works. Somehow, inevitably, I open my stupid mouth and say something that will land me a detention.

This year, friends will be made. Frienships will be broken. But at the end of it all- we will have a graduation to attend to. As well as a prom. And then- we are free, free, free. But is that a good thing? This year will decide.

So, congratulations to all of you again- and see you soon.

Don't piss me off.

Anansi Boys

"Stupid birds," he said, cheerfully. He pulled himself up on to the windowledge.
Flamingos are not famed for their cutting intelligence, nor for their problem-sloving abilities: confronted with a twist of wire, and a bottle with something edible in it, a crow might try to make a tool out the the wire in order to get to the contents of the bottle. A flamingo, on the other hand, would try and eat the wire, if it looked like a shrimp, or possibly even if it didn't, just in case it was a new kind of shrimp. So if there was something slightly smoky and insubstantial about the man who stood on the windowledge insulting them, the flamingos failed to perceive it. They glared at him with the crazed pink eyes of killer rabbits, and they rushed towards him.

(By Neil Gaiman from the book Anansi Boys)

Marbles

The touch, as light as a feather,
Barely there, but there all the same.
Soft, so soft, I can hardly feel it
Almost like the lips craving for the taste of rain.
The lights are dimmed, my eyes unseeing
Search for what they've searched so long.
The darkness is all around me,
I welcome it as the music of a song.
My breath is deep, my body warm,
My hands find the way instinctively.
I will not stop, I will not forget,
The reason that I guard so protectively.
Once it's finished, once it's done,
All that's left are fading memories.
I drop them like a bag of marbles,
struggling to catch the scattering stories.
Those that I retrieve, I hold on to firmly,
I will not let them go.
But, for now, I will not look behind,
Never will I stoop so low.

Passion

To exaggerate the light you seen when onstage would be impossible. The first thing you notice, even before the audience, would be the light shining so bright that it blinds you. To some it brings fear and nerves; I feel at home with it. The roar of the audience fed me as I sat down. I started my piece playing for the audience; I ended being completely lost in the music. The emotions were so strong that I did not have enough space to keep them in; I was transferring them all into the music. All my senses except hearing were lost; I did not see, I did not touch and I did not taste. Every feeling was exaggerated as the music went from painful to scornful to cheerful to sarcastic. Music has its own life- it feels, it grows, it changes. I spoke to the music and it spoke back to me. There was no boundary between us, I was enveloped in the beauty of the music. The final note hung in the air as the audience waited patiently. I left thinking, “you have no idea!”

Numb

I am strong,
hidden behind a curtain of black.
I am hard,
I will lose myself and not leave a track.
I will keep everything inside.
You will not hurt me.
I will give away nothing,
You will not find me.
Try, but you will not touch me.
You will not reach me or teach me.
I am lost within myself,
My world is mine alone.
My sanctuary is here but you are there.
The distances to me you will not bear.
The pain will never catch me.
You alone will never match me.
I stand, watching you.
What do you see when you look at me?
I am frozen, hard, dead on the outside.
If only you knew the storm on the inside.
Delicate yet strong, but always tense.
You will not feel me in that sense.
To you, I am numb.
If only I was.

Dubai Desert Rock Festival

Thursday March 16th, 2006. Location: Dubai Country Club. Event: Dubai Desert Rock Festival.

As you all know, I woke up on that fateful day running to the bathroom, puking all over the place. I spent the rest of the morning either in bed, or in the bathroom, damning those Spicy Cheetos to hell. At 3pm, I received a call from my friends- they were on the way. Feeling like the undead and half-delirious, I was intent on going to this concert. I had been waiting for it for over two months- I stumbled to my wardrobe and picked up the first thing I saw. Tied my hair, applied eyeliner, and got my brother to drive me. I tell my dad I'm leaving and looks at me suspiciously, but can't refuse.
"Is there gonna be alcohol?" My brother asks.
"Yeah," I reply.
"WHAT??!!!!" Ever the over-protective brother. The whole way there he lectured me how never again was he going to drive me to a concert.

Testament were onstage when I got there. I joined my group of friends, noticing they looked at me kinda strangely. I look down at my clothes- I was wearing a pink Crew shirt that said "Beach" and my jeans. WAY outta place, what with all the goths around me. We rocked to Testament, way up front, and the people behind us started moshing, I was in NO condition to mosh. My hair kept getting pulled and me face was shoved up a guy's armpit. Testament finished, there was a break. Met up with some more friends and we were getting jollier by the minute. Drinks all around (which I was gonna refuse, what with my queesy stomach) and we're feelin' good. After the break, Reel Big Fish came on, they were fuckin' good, we got to the front again and kicked everyone's asses. The sun was setting, and we were getting happier and happier. After an hour of playing, it was about 8:30 pm and they left.

3 Doors Down came on and sucked ass. I was supposed to be home by 9, but my brother was getting held up. I was crossing my fingers- Megadeth were next and I really wanted to see them. I was called and told my brother was waiting outside. Right in the middle of the only 3 Doors Down song I knew- "Here without you". I kissed everyone good-bye and got the hell outta there. On our way home we stopped for Burger King. I didn't have ANYTHING to eat that day except that I drank some tea, so I got myself a burger.

Today at 4 am, I ran into the bathroom again.

Cultures

Come to Arabia, where we will welcome you with open arms, bound to the rules set thousands of years ago. Wear our traditional clothes, see our dances. Visit our holy sites, learn of our history.

Come to Asia, where in China we observe our customs that we pride ourselves in. See Japan, with our myths, legends and enthralling history. Visit India, speak our many languages. Join us in our hard work and listen to our stories.

Come to Africa, where you will find a land of mysteries. Lose yourself in our forests, cross our deserts, climb our mountains!

Come to Australia, where you will find sanctuary in our homes. Discover what makes us unique and different. Here dwell creatures you will find nowhere else. Feel like you are on the tip of the world, far away from everyone else.

Come to Europe, where you will always be awed by our various traditions. Come to Italy, taste our food, see the works of art that will captivate you. Visit Russia, where we pride ourselves in our history and our patriotism. Come to Finland, smell our clean, cold air. Embrace life in our nature.

But what about you, America? What traditions have you got? What have you to show me that I have not seen before? Where does your pride lie? Is it in how you choked the traditions before you to death? Is it in your food, your obesity? Is it in your dominating nature, feeling the need to bully others? Is it in your clothes? You trampled on your history- what have you left? Money? Power? Ignorance?