Armour

I will be strong.

My body will be my armour for my soul. My skin will be thick and all the shards will bounce off it.

I will protect my heart. Even as my last defences are broken, you will not push through my last one.

And for all the wounds I have taken, I will mend my heart. And every scar will be a reminder.

I will be in control.

I will breathe through the pain. I will ride the waves and allow them to sweep me through the highs and the lows.

As a knife is stuck inside me and twisted in my gut, I will close my eyes.

I will breathe.

I will be strong.

I will live.

Demons

We are running away from ourselves.

An endless race that we will never win. Chased by our shadows, snapping at our heels.

The demons that haunt us will not go away. At best, we can silence them. But always they lurk, waiting patiently in the cracks of our souls.

At worst, they take over us.

We are broken. But we don't know why.

And so we wallow in our brokenness. Because we know nothing else.

Because “normal” doesn't exist. Because we don't understand.

Because we are overtaken by the overwhelming, sickening feeling that something inside us is very wrong.

And so we wander on, existing on the edges of society. Blurred, faded, transparent.

You will see us in the corner of your eye.

Lost in our addictions, lost in ourselves, lost in each other.

It is the biggest tragedy of all; that we, the most fucked up of all, are capable of love. We are capable of loyalty. Your innocence, your sweetness, your decency.

And yet, we simply cannot live with ourselves.

Ocean

It is all a state of mind.

You have to allow it to happen. Be open to it. Embrace it.

You become a spectator of your own life. You have no idea what will happen next; but whatever it is, you will go along with it.

It is perhaps the numbness that is the most addictive.

Letting go of control. Letting go of pain. Letting go of the past. If only temporarily.

You blend into your surroundings. You used to know who you are. It used to be something clear, a picture in your mind: this is me.

But this is no longer true. Now the concept of you is an abstract form. An ever changing, liquid shape. Like water in a jar, you change to fit the situation.

Where do you end and he begins? Is there a clear distinction?

And so the current sweeps you, through raging rapids and massive waterfalls, and you, a helpless leaf pushed and pulled wherever the water takes you. And eventually, you flow into the ocean.

And you drown.

And you drown in him, and you become him, and he becomes you, and there is nothing else.

Just numbing silence.

Untouchables

We are young. We are fearless. We are invincible.

We live fast.

We dream big. Love big. Play big.

The world belongs to us.

The night is ours, the streets are ours.

We will never grow old.

The music thumping in our ears and through our bodies. The floor vibrating, pulsing in our hearts. The blood throbbing through our veins.

We don't play by the rules, because there are no rules.

We ride the tide, wherever it may take us.

Time does not apply to us. We squeeze every last drop out of the moment, and drink it in.

We will prevail.

Glimpses

You are in the music that I listen to, telling me: this is life.

You are in the food that I eat; this is what you have shown me.

You are in the cigarettes I smoke, the flash of red.

You are in the drinks I drink; it's this whiskey and it's this coke. I salute you every time.

You are in the car I drive. This is where you sat, the sun beating down on your face, a breeze in your hair.

You are in the clothes that I wear: I look in the mirror and I see what you see.

You are in my perfume. And all the times I've lain down, a hint... just here on my arm.

You are the ring that I wear, the bracelet on my hand. You're on my chain; what you have given me.

You are in my mind's eye, that smile – I can just see it now.

I am a culmination of all of you. I am me, and I am what you made me. A jigsaw of different parts, yet it fits.

I see you everywhere, and you are nowhere. It's what's left behind.

It's the memory in everything that I do.

Swept

The tide has swept you. You are now part of the current, and there is nothing you can do about it.

It is taking you to dark and dangerous places.

You know what is happening, and you are aware of it.

Yet, you are helpess, powerless against it.

There is a hole that simply cannot be filled. The harder I try, the less successful I am.

And the hole only grows bigger.

And the glimmers of hope are only that: glimmers.

Will they ever materialise into something real?

Transience

Ask me to describe what I think life is in one word, and I will say this: fleeting.

Every person you meet, every experience you have, every music trend you hear... your friends, even your family and dare I say, you.

I am not who I was a year ago. Of the people I surrounded myself with, many of them are not here anymore. And yet, in the moment they felt so real, so sure, so constant. Things that seem forever are never forever. In the last few months, this is all I have learnt. People will come, and they will go. Some will stay longer than others. Some will make a stronger impression than others. Some will burn bright, and fast, and leave a huge mark on you and change the course of your life forever, but you will only have the privilege of knowing them for a short period of time.

I can count these people on the fingers of one hand.

They are no longer here, yet there are part of me as surely as the air I'm breathing right now.

This realization is not a negative one. If anything, it has made me appreciate the people around me at this very moment even more. Because I know that they will not be here forever, I want to make the most of them. I want to learn from them, laugh with them, I want to know them.

And, just as much, I want to give myself to them, if they would like to have me. I will tell them my stories, I will open myself to them, and I will do my best not to hold back.

Because I'll never know when I'll never see them again.