It seems to me that we half-breeds, particularly of the half Russian half Arab kind, take everything close to our hearts. And by that I mean, we are too emotional, too attached and too volatile.
It is both a strength and a weakness.
Maybe it is the combination of two of the strongest, fiercest cultures in the world. Maybe it is the experience of growing up in a battleground home. Maybe it is the feeling inside us tearing us apart; we don't know where we belong, we don't know which way to go, we have two sides waging war with each other. We are in conflict all the time, yet we are so loyal, so ferociously protective of each side that it somehow balances out.
Hot and cold – emotional yet distant.
We are sensitive, scared, easy to hurt. We bristle at the thought of anything trampling over our territory. We can live anywhere.
We look for that elusive feeling of home.
Or maybe we don't.
Maybe it's just me.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Partner
He has the most beautiful brown eyes I have come across. Large, and soft. They are his mother's.
He also has a gut-wrenching smile. It makes me want to move the world for it. When I know that I've done something that gives me back that smile, the one where the dimples show and the eyes light up, I want to die right there and then.
He is smart. He is silly. He's a quick thinker that has the wisdom of experience behind him, but you could just as likely find him playing a practical joke. Sometimes he puts the two together, and I get to see that spontaneous, playful side to him. The mischievous side.
The one that makes him start dancing when I'm driving in my car, as his favourite song comes on.
He's a man. He has strength, and he knows what he's doing. Sometimes, he has that look in his eyes, that sound in his voice – and it's indisputable; he's a real man. He will protect me.
He's also a charmer. People want to follow him. There is something about him that makes him powerful, influential. I am caught deep under his spell but I love it; I would do anything for him.
When I'm with him, my world revolves around him and everything else ceases to exist. It's never enough.
Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I did right in this life or any previous life to have the privilege of having him as a partner on this journey. Someone to stand by me to be everything I need in a person and more. Maybe I got lucky. But he hates it when I say that.
Maybe I don't need to think about it. Maybe it's simple... Maybe I'm his, and he's mine.
He also has a gut-wrenching smile. It makes me want to move the world for it. When I know that I've done something that gives me back that smile, the one where the dimples show and the eyes light up, I want to die right there and then.
He is smart. He is silly. He's a quick thinker that has the wisdom of experience behind him, but you could just as likely find him playing a practical joke. Sometimes he puts the two together, and I get to see that spontaneous, playful side to him. The mischievous side.
The one that makes him start dancing when I'm driving in my car, as his favourite song comes on.
He's a man. He has strength, and he knows what he's doing. Sometimes, he has that look in his eyes, that sound in his voice – and it's indisputable; he's a real man. He will protect me.
He's also a charmer. People want to follow him. There is something about him that makes him powerful, influential. I am caught deep under his spell but I love it; I would do anything for him.
When I'm with him, my world revolves around him and everything else ceases to exist. It's never enough.
Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I did right in this life or any previous life to have the privilege of having him as a partner on this journey. Someone to stand by me to be everything I need in a person and more. Maybe I got lucky. But he hates it when I say that.
Maybe I don't need to think about it. Maybe it's simple... Maybe I'm his, and he's mine.
Saturday, May 05, 2012
Relationships and Experience
Over the last few years, I've come to realise how important it is to experience different people, in order to find out who you are and what it is you want.
First relationships, in my opinion, have a lot of say in how the rest of a person's love life unfolds. It is in this relationship that you discover the kind of person you are; how much you can tolerate, what you want, what you expect, how hard you are willing to work to keep things going. You learn about the things that irritate you, what makes you insecure, what hurts and what you can handle.
The first relationship both builds your confidence and destroys you; on the one hand, you learn so much, you know what to expect, you don't want to repeat mistakes... but on the other, some of the things that hurt remain sore, and stay difficult to let go of.
It's easy to fool yourself when you are by yourself, when your decisions don't affect anyone. It's when you are with someone that the image is difficult to uphold. That's when you are faced with taking someone else into consideration, and suddenly you wonder, how selfish are you really? How much are you willing to sacrifice? How ready are you to put yourself in the backseat, and allow this entity, this addition of you and someone else, which is much bigger than each of you alone, to become priority?
And since no two relationships are the same, you keep on discovering things about yourself... some good, some bad. Some are things you never thought were true, hence the “fooling” of yourself.
These are things that prepare you for commitment- before taking someone else seriously, you have to assume that you will be with this person for the rest of your life, and you have to ask yourself – are you ready for that? If not, then there is no point to even begin; things will only end sour.
But if so, it means that you have an understanding of who you are and what you want. Maybe it's not complete, maybe it is never complete, but it's enough to make you believe that you are satisfied with your past, it has taken you to your present, and that will be the foundation for your future. That is why paying tribute to the past is important; remembering what it is that brought you to this point, to keep fortifying the foundation and making it as strong as possible.
First relationships, in my opinion, have a lot of say in how the rest of a person's love life unfolds. It is in this relationship that you discover the kind of person you are; how much you can tolerate, what you want, what you expect, how hard you are willing to work to keep things going. You learn about the things that irritate you, what makes you insecure, what hurts and what you can handle.
The first relationship both builds your confidence and destroys you; on the one hand, you learn so much, you know what to expect, you don't want to repeat mistakes... but on the other, some of the things that hurt remain sore, and stay difficult to let go of.
It's easy to fool yourself when you are by yourself, when your decisions don't affect anyone. It's when you are with someone that the image is difficult to uphold. That's when you are faced with taking someone else into consideration, and suddenly you wonder, how selfish are you really? How much are you willing to sacrifice? How ready are you to put yourself in the backseat, and allow this entity, this addition of you and someone else, which is much bigger than each of you alone, to become priority?
And since no two relationships are the same, you keep on discovering things about yourself... some good, some bad. Some are things you never thought were true, hence the “fooling” of yourself.
These are things that prepare you for commitment- before taking someone else seriously, you have to assume that you will be with this person for the rest of your life, and you have to ask yourself – are you ready for that? If not, then there is no point to even begin; things will only end sour.
But if so, it means that you have an understanding of who you are and what you want. Maybe it's not complete, maybe it is never complete, but it's enough to make you believe that you are satisfied with your past, it has taken you to your present, and that will be the foundation for your future. That is why paying tribute to the past is important; remembering what it is that brought you to this point, to keep fortifying the foundation and making it as strong as possible.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
180
A few weeks ago, I met someone. And my life changed.
Look at me, I'm a walking fucking cliché. The cynic, the skeptic, the blasphemer, the non-believer meets “the one”, and suddenly becomes the biggest hypocrite to walk this green Earth.
Flashback to one month ago. Who am I? I am the woman... who has gone through hell and back to get to where I am. I'd lost myself, stripped myself off completely, and gone on a journey to build myself up again. And I did. And I did it through my experiences, the people I met, the things I learnt and shared. I am independent. I am strong. I am in control. My mind is clear, and I've reached a point where I know what I want, and crucially- I am happy. Happy in a place where my happiness doesn't depend on anyone else. Knowing that I may never find a partner again – and being genuinely okay with it.
And now... now my definition of everything has changed. I have changed. The older me is there, and a lot of my beliefs and views are there. And I am in the process of reconciling the two sides in me. And it's okay. I'm getting there, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be.
I am doing something absolutely crazy. I am doing something that no-one I have ever known has done. And it's mine, and it's his. There is nobody else, and there never will be. Of that, I am sure.
It's kind of like oreo and milk.
Look at me, I'm a walking fucking cliché. The cynic, the skeptic, the blasphemer, the non-believer meets “the one”, and suddenly becomes the biggest hypocrite to walk this green Earth.
Flashback to one month ago. Who am I? I am the woman... who has gone through hell and back to get to where I am. I'd lost myself, stripped myself off completely, and gone on a journey to build myself up again. And I did. And I did it through my experiences, the people I met, the things I learnt and shared. I am independent. I am strong. I am in control. My mind is clear, and I've reached a point where I know what I want, and crucially- I am happy. Happy in a place where my happiness doesn't depend on anyone else. Knowing that I may never find a partner again – and being genuinely okay with it.
And now... now my definition of everything has changed. I have changed. The older me is there, and a lot of my beliefs and views are there. And I am in the process of reconciling the two sides in me. And it's okay. I'm getting there, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be.
I am doing something absolutely crazy. I am doing something that no-one I have ever known has done. And it's mine, and it's his. There is nobody else, and there never will be. Of that, I am sure.
It's kind of like oreo and milk.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)