Lines in the Sand

I struggle,

I struggle with toeing the line that I've been given.

I walk right up to the edge of the cliff,

And I want look over

I imagine myself jumping

Falling, falling, falling.

Every minute that passes by

Was it time wasted?

Could I have done more?

An itch, a need to feel

Feel something, feel anything

The heights of pleasure

Or the sharpness of pain

As long as it's not nothing.

As long as I'm not numb.

Wavelengths

I believe in wavelengths.

I believe that all of us, individually, have our own frequencies.

I believe that, just like in music, some of these frequencies can harmonize.

I also believe that some of us are better at tuning into our own frquencies, and the frequencies of those around us, than others.

There are many things that I have learnt over the last 2 years. This one, as I write here on the 1^st of January 2017, seems clearer to me than anything else I know.

There are many ways to describe this. Some call it a “vibe”, some call it a “gut feeling”. To me, it almost feels physical.

Sometimes, just sometimes, our frequencies harmonize. And it's beautiful.

But – that doesn't mean it will always be that way. Sometimes our frequencies change. Actually, they must, because we change as people all the time. Sometimes this means that everything begins to feel wrong. And sometimes, you can still continue to be in harmony.

We ride the wave.

Crash Course

They say that the moon was formed when a giant planet collided into what is now our Earth, and a piece of our planet broke off and started to orbit the newly damaged planet left behind. They say that this is why the Earth is not a perfect sphere. And they say that this incidence was crucial to the formation of life on Earth, for without the moon there would be no us.

And there the moon remains, beautiful yet barren and remote, circling the green Earth in its dark loneliness, pushing and pulling our oceans and keeping us alive.

What if the same thing could happen to us as human beings? What if our whole lives we were placed on a certain path, and we were meant to follow this path? And if we strove towards our goals and never strayed? And then, what if someone else's life collides into yours?

And what if the collision was so magnificent, that your path is altered forever?

And what if a part of you breaks off, never to return again, but remains somehow ever present?

And what if the new you is now a mashup of you and all the little pieces that the other person left behind?

And what if... the new you now contains new life?

There are different kinds of people in this world. We all meet, converse, influence each other in little ways. There are leaders and there are followers. There are decision makers and there are executioners.

And then there are those who make life their own game. Who squeeze it by the balls and refuse to play by the rules. There are those who are afraid of nothing.

And it is they who crash and burn into our lives. And even when they leave, things will never be same again.

Armour

I will be strong.

My body will be my armour for my soul. My skin will be thick and all the shards will bounce off it.

I will protect my heart. Even as my last defences are broken, you will not push through my last one.

And for all the wounds I have taken, I will mend my heart. And every scar will be a reminder.

I will be in control.

I will breathe through the pain. I will ride the waves and allow them to sweep me through the highs and the lows.

As a knife is stuck inside me and twisted in my gut, I will close my eyes.

I will breathe.

I will be strong.

I will live.

Demons

We are running away from ourselves.

An endless race that we will never win. Chased by our shadows, snapping at our heels.

The demons that haunt us will not go away. At best, we can silence them. But always they lurk, waiting patiently in the cracks of our souls.

At worst, they take over us.

We are broken. But we don't know why.

And so we wallow in our brokenness. Because we know nothing else.

Because “normal” doesn't exist. Because we don't understand.

Because we are overtaken by the overwhelming, sickening feeling that something inside us is very wrong.

And so we wander on, existing on the edges of society. Blurred, faded, transparent.

You will see us in the corner of your eye.

Lost in our addictions, lost in ourselves, lost in each other.

It is the biggest tragedy of all; that we, the most fucked up of all, are capable of love. We are capable of loyalty. Your innocence, your sweetness, your decency.

And yet, we simply cannot live with ourselves.

Ocean

It is all a state of mind.

You have to allow it to happen. Be open to it. Embrace it.

You become a spectator of your own life. You have no idea what will happen next; but whatever it is, you will go along with it.

It is perhaps the numbness that is the most addictive.

Letting go of control. Letting go of pain. Letting go of the past. If only temporarily.

You blend into your surroundings. You used to know who you are. It used to be something clear, a picture in your mind: this is me.

But this is no longer true. Now the concept of you is an abstract form. An ever changing, liquid shape. Like water in a jar, you change to fit the situation.

Where do you end and he begins? Is there a clear distinction?

And so the current sweeps you, through raging rapids and massive waterfalls, and you, a helpless leaf pushed and pulled wherever the water takes you. And eventually, you flow into the ocean.

And you drown.

And you drown in him, and you become him, and he becomes you, and there is nothing else.

Just numbing silence.

Untouchables

We are young. We are fearless. We are invincible.

We live fast.

We dream big. Love big. Play big.

The world belongs to us.

The night is ours, the streets are ours.

We will never grow old.

The music thumping in our ears and through our bodies. The floor vibrating, pulsing in our hearts. The blood throbbing through our veins.

We don't play by the rules, because there are no rules.

We ride the tide, wherever it may take us.

Time does not apply to us. We squeeze every last drop out of the moment, and drink it in.

We will prevail.

Glimpses

You are in the music that I listen to, telling me: this is life.

You are in the food that I eat; this is what you have shown me.

You are in the cigarettes I smoke, the flash of red.

You are in the drinks I drink; it's this whiskey and it's this coke. I salute you every time.

You are in the car I drive. This is where you sat, the sun beating down on your face, a breeze in your hair.

You are in the clothes that I wear: I look in the mirror and I see what you see.

You are in my perfume. And all the times I've lain down, a hint... just here on my arm.

You are the ring that I wear, the bracelet on my hand. You're on my chain; what you have given me.

You are in my mind's eye, that smile – I can just see it now.

I am a culmination of all of you. I am me, and I am what you made me. A jigsaw of different parts, yet it fits.

I see you everywhere, and you are nowhere. It's what's left behind.

It's the memory in everything that I do.

Swept

The tide has swept you. You are now part of the current, and there is nothing you can do about it.

It is taking you to dark and dangerous places.

You know what is happening, and you are aware of it.

Yet, you are helpess, powerless against it.

There is a hole that simply cannot be filled. The harder I try, the less successful I am.

And the hole only grows bigger.

And the glimmers of hope are only that: glimmers.

Will they ever materialise into something real?

Transience

Ask me to describe what I think life is in one word, and I will say this: fleeting.

Every person you meet, every experience you have, every music trend you hear... your friends, even your family and dare I say, you.

I am not who I was a year ago. Of the people I surrounded myself with, many of them are not here anymore. And yet, in the moment they felt so real, so sure, so constant. Things that seem forever are never forever. In the last few months, this is all I have learnt. People will come, and they will go. Some will stay longer than others. Some will make a stronger impression than others. Some will burn bright, and fast, and leave a huge mark on you and change the course of your life forever, but you will only have the privilege of knowing them for a short period of time.

I can count these people on the fingers of one hand.

They are no longer here, yet there are part of me as surely as the air I'm breathing right now.

This realization is not a negative one. If anything, it has made me appreciate the people around me at this very moment even more. Because I know that they will not be here forever, I want to make the most of them. I want to learn from them, laugh with them, I want to know them.

And, just as much, I want to give myself to them, if they would like to have me. I will tell them my stories, I will open myself to them, and I will do my best not to hold back.

Because I'll never know when I'll never see them again.

Bristolian Days

There was a time in my life when I lived almost a year completely by myself, in a city I barely knew.

This city eventually became part of me, a part of my genetic make up so integral that the longing is painful.

I was freer than I had ever been or will ever be again in my life. I was so alone, and it was so exhilirating, so empowering. I learnt so much about myself that I would not have been able to had I always been surrounded by others.

I will never forget breathing in the crisp, night air, the coldness piercing my lungs. Or sitting at my desk looking out into a dark sky as fat raindrops fell onto the ground. The hills I climbed, the walks by a river so beautiful I had to spend some time by it just to feel the sense of awareness and appreciation.

It is a city known for producing artists, musicians that are not in the mainstream. They are people who blur the lines. They are not shy of their art, unapologetic.

It is not a place that I expected to have such an impact on me. Even while I was there, I probably did not realise. This city is overshadowed by its bigger, more popular sister. But it is the one with all the magic.

Little things remind of it. So vivid, I can feel the cold night air surrounding me thousands of miles away. I can only hope that the clarity does not fade over time.

Lessons Lost and Found

It seems that I have lost all the lessons that I have learnt during my time in the UK.

Those times when I stared at the moon, feeling like I was the only one in a city full of people. The cold, crisp night air entering my nostrils as I stilled my mind, aware of my myself, and my body, and everything around me.

Sometimes alone, sometimes sharing the experience with another. This unbearable, euphoric, painful, ovewhelming belonging to this city, and its land, and its people, and and and...

And yet here I find my mind crowded. Family, work, money, people, life. What if and why and how and when and why is he... and where... and how come... and why, why, why?

Is it Dubai? Is it the people around me? Is it responsibilities, the environment?

It's not fair to blame it on others.

It can only be up to me.

To breathe in deep. To relax. To calm my mind.

Conflicting

It seems to me that we half-breeds, particularly of the half Russian half Arab kind, take everything close to our hearts. And by that I mean, we are too emotional, too attached and too volatile.

It is both a strength and a weakness.

Maybe it is the combination of two of the strongest, fiercest cultures in the world. Maybe it is the experience of growing up in a battleground home. Maybe it is the feeling inside us tearing us apart; we don't know where we belong, we don't know which way to go, we have two sides waging war with each other. We are in conflict all the time, yet we are so loyal, so ferociously protective of each side that it somehow balances out.

Hot and cold – emotional yet distant.

We are sensitive, scared, easy to hurt. We bristle at the thought of anything trampling over our territory. We can live anywhere.

We look for that elusive feeling of home.

Or maybe we don't.

Maybe it's just me.

Partner

He has the most beautiful brown eyes I have come across. Large, and soft. They are his mother's.

He also has a gut-wrenching smile. It makes me want to move the world for it. When I know that I've done something that gives me back that smile, the one where the dimples show and the eyes light up, I want to die right there and then.

He is smart. He is silly. He's a quick thinker that has the wisdom of experience behind him, but you could just as likely find him playing a practical joke. Sometimes he puts the two together, and I get to see that spontaneous, playful side to him. The mischievous side.

The one that makes him start dancing when I'm driving in my car, as his favourite song comes on.

He's a man. He has strength, and he knows what he's doing. Sometimes, he has that look in his eyes, that sound in his voice – and it's indisputable; he's a real man. He will protect me.

He's also a charmer. People want to follow him. There is something about him that makes him powerful, influential. I am caught deep under his spell but I love it; I would do anything for him.

When I'm with him, my world revolves around him and everything else ceases to exist. It's never enough.

Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I did right in this life or any previous life to have the privilege of having him as a partner on this journey. Someone to stand by me to be everything I need in a person and more. Maybe I got lucky. But he hates it when I say that.

Maybe I don't need to think about it. Maybe it's simple... Maybe I'm his, and he's mine.

Relationships and Experience

Over the last few years, I've come to realise how important it is to experience different people, in order to find out who you are and what it is you want.

First relationships, in my opinion, have a lot of say in how the rest of a person's love life unfolds. It is in this relationship that you discover the kind of person you are; how much you can tolerate, what you want, what you expect, how hard you are willing to work to keep things going. You learn about the things that irritate you, what makes you insecure, what hurts and what you can handle.

The first relationship both builds your confidence and destroys you; on the one hand, you learn so much, you know what to expect, you don't want to repeat mistakes... but on the other, some of the things that hurt remain sore, and stay difficult to let go of.

It's easy to fool yourself when you are by yourself, when your decisions don't affect anyone. It's when you are with someone that the image is difficult to uphold. That's when you are faced with taking someone else into consideration, and suddenly you wonder, how selfish are you really? How much are you willing to sacrifice? How ready are you to put yourself in the backseat, and allow this entity, this addition of you and someone else, which is much bigger than each of you alone, to become priority?

And since no two relationships are the same, you keep on discovering things about yourself... some good, some bad. Some are things you never thought were true, hence the “fooling” of yourself.

These are things that prepare you for commitment- before taking someone else seriously, you have to assume that you will be with this person for the rest of your life, and you have to ask yourself – are you ready for that? If not, then there is no point to even begin; things will only end sour.

But if so, it means that you have an understanding of who you are and what you want. Maybe it's not complete, maybe it is never complete, but it's enough to make you believe that you are satisfied with your past, it has taken you to your present, and that will be the foundation for your future. That is why paying tribute to the past is important; remembering what it is that brought you to this point, to keep fortifying the foundation and making it as strong as possible.

180

A few weeks ago, I met someone. And my life changed.

Look at me, I'm a walking fucking cliché. The cynic, the skeptic, the blasphemer, the non-believer meets “the one”, and suddenly becomes the biggest hypocrite to walk this green Earth.

Flashback to one month ago. Who am I? I am the woman... who has gone through hell and back to get to where I am. I'd lost myself, stripped myself off completely, and gone on a journey to build myself up again. And I did. And I did it through my experiences, the people I met, the things I learnt and shared. I am independent. I am strong. I am in control. My mind is clear, and I've reached a point where I know what I want, and crucially- I am happy. Happy in a place where my happiness doesn't depend on anyone else. Knowing that I may never find a partner again – and being genuinely okay with it.

And now... now my definition of everything has changed. I have changed. The older me is there, and a lot of my beliefs and views are there. And I am in the process of reconciling the two sides in me. And it's okay. I'm getting there, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be.

I am doing something absolutely crazy. I am doing something that no-one I have ever known has done. And it's mine, and it's his. There is nobody else, and there never will be. Of that, I am sure.

It's kind of like oreo and milk.

What You Want And REALLY Don't Need

What do you do, when there's something you want, but every instinct in your body tells you it's wrong? And not just your own body, but even the people around you?

That's the thing about short-term gratification. Goddamn it, it's good. And it's so good, you don't want to think about consequences. You don't want to think about what it means and philosophical questions like that. I'm going to get hurt afterwards? Who cares? Give me what I want, and give it to me now.

And so comes the state of mind where you are reeling from one extreme to the other. First you tell yourself, are you stupid? You know you can't do this. How are you even considering it?

And then the other extreme goes, are you stupid? You've got a great opportunity here. How can you pass up this chance, and when the hell are you going to get it again?

And forget about having an objective viewpoint. In situations like this, everything is clouded by what you want. You can justify almost anything if you want it enough, and forget about who you are, what you might look like to other people, and what consequences you'll face later.

So what the hell are you supposed to do? Maybe one side is clearly more “right” than the other... but isn't life all about squeezing the drops out of every second?

"Calm the mind, the longing never ends... not while you're human" - Cynic

Old Friends Die Hard

This time last year, I was in the process of losing a very dear, and very old friend. Of course, at the time, I didn't know it was happening. But I realise now that the outcome was inevitable, and circumstances were such that the “break-up” was unavoidable.

It hurts to lose someone as close to you as that, it really does. I have a tendency, I've noticed, to give myself completely to one person – to love them unconditionally and to favour them above all others – openly and unashamedly. It's almost as if I'm giving my life to their hands – my fears, my hopes, my dreams, everything – and saying, “Here. I trust you – you will guard me.”

And when someone becomes as an integrated part of your life as he did – playing a significant role in the way I think, feel, and who I am in general – the loss of that kind of friendship is a real shock. More so than a romantic relationship, because at least then – you know there are more reasons to break things off. In a frienship, things are much more simple, so a break would occur only out of something really quite serious.

We were both at bad points in our lives at the time, but I think neither of us knew it. We ended up taking it out on each other in a passive aggressive way. And it sucks, it sucks because we couldn't be there for each other, we didn't understand what was happening. And it sucks beyond belief that if I see him now, we will acknowledge each other; coldly – and then look the other way.

But such is the nature of life, right? The stronger you love someobody, the harder it is when you lose them. And it's so bitter, to know that somebody you would've done anything for is now gone. You can't do anything but learn your lessons from it and move on, but still make sure you honour the part they've played in your life.

Divergence of Art

Very rarely do I not have my iPod in the car. On these occasions, I'm either updating it, charging it, or, quite simply, I've forgotten it. And then I have to resort to listening to some radio.

And every time I do this, I realise it would be better to sit in silence than listen to the stuff they're currently playing. It's either a rap song with a female chorus, or some love song, or a song about being tough and overcoming challenges... the bottom line is, it's all generic, it's all manufactured, it's all fake, and it's all got the same formula. Even if you forget the music, there are hardly any voices that are worth listening to. Basically, every song is the carbon copy of the next.

The paradox is, at the same time, there's some really inspiring music going on behind the scenes, by bands that get unjustly little coverage. Even in the spheres of rock and metal, music is becoming dangerously bland. But find a niche, some band that you are introduced to by a friend, invariably, and suddenly a whole world opens. Call it progressive, call it post-rock, experimental, avant-garde – even spiritual sometimes, these bands really are pushing the boundaries of music and doing things that haven't ever been done before. And it's inspirational.

Music, like all art, is a reflection of society. Just like baroque, classical and romantic eras of art, not just music but painting and architecture, were indicators of where the society of those times were. And the same can be said for today's culture: on one hand, we have the generic, mass-manufactured clothes, food, and therefore also music, but on the other- in a striking contrast that is almost alarming, we have the freedom to think, to talk, to experiment – the lines are not as clear as they used to be. And so art and music reflect that, becoming much more surreal, more abstract, more open to interpretation. This dichotomy reflects who we are as people, and the dramatic difference between the two.

And so, as I'd inevitably switch off the radio and think about this curiousity, I am relieved to know that at least the dichotomy exists. At the same time, maybe it can't not exist – maybe there will always be people who go against the flow and try new things. And this is the kind of music, and all other forms of art, that inspires you, changes your life even. It opens your eyes, wakes you up, makes you think. It's not a melody that you forget in a year or two, or hollow words that don't mean a thing and were just written to rhyme – this becomes an extension of your self, and your memories, and takes part in shaping who you are. And you can never go back on something like that – even if you change, it will always be a part of your past.

Opioid

I fell in love.

And so what if I did? So what if it's with someone I barely knew?

So what if we didn't go on any dates, didn't exchange presents, didn't tell anyone?

And what if all our conversations were in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling? And all I know of is your pain. What you feel- it's on your skin and in your eyes.

I know what you want. I can't give it to you; and you will never find it elsewhere. The harder you try, the quicker it will slip through your fingers.