Passion

To exaggerate the light you seen when onstage would be impossible. The first thing you notice, even before the audience, would be the light shining so bright that it blinds you. To some it brings fear and nerves; I feel at home with it. The roar of the audience fed me as I sat down. I started my piece playing for the audience; I ended being completely lost in the music. The emotions were so strong that I did not have enough space to keep them in; I was transferring them all into the music. All my senses except hearing were lost; I did not see, I did not touch and I did not taste. Every feeling was exaggerated as the music went from painful to scornful to cheerful to sarcastic. Music has its own life- it feels, it grows, it changes. I spoke to the music and it spoke back to me. There was no boundary between us, I was enveloped in the beauty of the music. The final note hung in the air as the audience waited patiently. I left thinking, “you have no idea!”

Numb

I am strong,
hidden behind a curtain of black.
I am hard,
I will lose myself and not leave a track.
I will keep everything inside.
You will not hurt me.
I will give away nothing,
You will not find me.
Try, but you will not touch me.
You will not reach me or teach me.
I am lost within myself,
My world is mine alone.
My sanctuary is here but you are there.
The distances to me you will not bear.
The pain will never catch me.
You alone will never match me.
I stand, watching you.
What do you see when you look at me?
I am frozen, hard, dead on the outside.
If only you knew the storm on the inside.
Delicate yet strong, but always tense.
You will not feel me in that sense.
To you, I am numb.
If only I was.

Dubai Desert Rock Festival

Thursday March 16th, 2006. Location: Dubai Country Club. Event: Dubai Desert Rock Festival.

As you all know, I woke up on that fateful day running to the bathroom, puking all over the place. I spent the rest of the morning either in bed, or in the bathroom, damning those Spicy Cheetos to hell. At 3pm, I received a call from my friends- they were on the way. Feeling like the undead and half-delirious, I was intent on going to this concert. I had been waiting for it for over two months- I stumbled to my wardrobe and picked up the first thing I saw. Tied my hair, applied eyeliner, and got my brother to drive me. I tell my dad I'm leaving and looks at me suspiciously, but can't refuse.
"Is there gonna be alcohol?" My brother asks.
"Yeah," I reply.
"WHAT??!!!!" Ever the over-protective brother. The whole way there he lectured me how never again was he going to drive me to a concert.

Testament were onstage when I got there. I joined my group of friends, noticing they looked at me kinda strangely. I look down at my clothes- I was wearing a pink Crew shirt that said "Beach" and my jeans. WAY outta place, what with all the goths around me. We rocked to Testament, way up front, and the people behind us started moshing, I was in NO condition to mosh. My hair kept getting pulled and me face was shoved up a guy's armpit. Testament finished, there was a break. Met up with some more friends and we were getting jollier by the minute. Drinks all around (which I was gonna refuse, what with my queesy stomach) and we're feelin' good. After the break, Reel Big Fish came on, they were fuckin' good, we got to the front again and kicked everyone's asses. The sun was setting, and we were getting happier and happier. After an hour of playing, it was about 8:30 pm and they left.

3 Doors Down came on and sucked ass. I was supposed to be home by 9, but my brother was getting held up. I was crossing my fingers- Megadeth were next and I really wanted to see them. I was called and told my brother was waiting outside. Right in the middle of the only 3 Doors Down song I knew- "Here without you". I kissed everyone good-bye and got the hell outta there. On our way home we stopped for Burger King. I didn't have ANYTHING to eat that day except that I drank some tea, so I got myself a burger.

Today at 4 am, I ran into the bathroom again.

Cultures

Come to Arabia, where we will welcome you with open arms, bound to the rules set thousands of years ago. Wear our traditional clothes, see our dances. Visit our holy sites, learn of our history.

Come to Asia, where in China we observe our customs that we pride ourselves in. See Japan, with our myths, legends and enthralling history. Visit India, speak our many languages. Join us in our hard work and listen to our stories.

Come to Africa, where you will find a land of mysteries. Lose yourself in our forests, cross our deserts, climb our mountains!

Come to Australia, where you will find sanctuary in our homes. Discover what makes us unique and different. Here dwell creatures you will find nowhere else. Feel like you are on the tip of the world, far away from everyone else.

Come to Europe, where you will always be awed by our various traditions. Come to Italy, taste our food, see the works of art that will captivate you. Visit Russia, where we pride ourselves in our history and our patriotism. Come to Finland, smell our clean, cold air. Embrace life in our nature.

But what about you, America? What traditions have you got? What have you to show me that I have not seen before? Where does your pride lie? Is it in how you choked the traditions before you to death? Is it in your food, your obesity? Is it in your dominating nature, feeling the need to bully others? Is it in your clothes? You trampled on your history- what have you left? Money? Power? Ignorance?

Why I'm not so "pathetic" after all...

Lemme get this straight.
I like being busy.
I'm also somewhat of a perfectionist. Everything has to be organized in terms of what is about to happen. My room, however, is a mess.
I like December. About the most hectic (incidentally also the last) month of the year. Also the month where we get lots of holidays from school.
My schedule is filled, but I like that. Seeing as its the hols, long-lost friends are seen again (to my delight) but of course I need to know exactly when, where, why, how. I don't like it when I person says "I'm not sure" when asked whether (s)he can come out somewhere.
December- the month when my parents are working so much (they work with Russian tourists, who come in hordes to Dubai) that they don't even notice me. I like that.
December- also when, over here, is not cold. I hate the cold! It's also the month for shopping... for restaurants... for appointments for hair, taking extra lessons with my best friend Christina (who teaches ice-skating)...
I love December, the month when my calendar is over-filled.

The Consequences Of Excess Chocolate

Huh.
So I like chocolate. Big deal. Doesn't everyone?
There are just some of those times when you eat a little more chocolate than you're supposed to, so I'm going to investigate what happens when you eat a little more of that drug than you planned.

Advantages:

1. It tastes nice. Duh.
2. It makes you feel good about yourself.
3. It solves your problems.
4. It's easy to get.
5. It's your best friend.
6. It understands how you feel and is very sympathetic.
7. It doesn't judge.
8. Sometimes, after the "excess chocolate" incident, you fall in love with the next guy you see.

Disadvantages:

1. It makes you feel light-headed.
2. It's sticky.
3. It makes you thirsty.
4. It adds weight.
5. It can betray you.
6. It's bad for your teeth
7. The word "excess"
8. Sometimes, after the "excess chocolate" incident, you fall in love with the next guy you see.

The verdict? Chocolate's good.

System Of A Down

As the century nears to its formidable end, our global experience of universal proportions, predicted by many greats, will arrive at our solar system, to our system of a down. Authoritarian oppression, family abuse, depression caused by conformity, and economic devastation will be neutralized by technological terrorism in times of complete chaos. Control will never again be gained for toleration will become extinct. A husband quarelling with his wife will not think twice or regret his spent bullet. Hungry children will not spare the grocer. Remorse in all forms will be removed from human thoughts and actions. Freedom will only be available through revolution or death. The system of a down is unavoidable as life on this planet becomes unnecessary.
The hand has five fingers, capable and powerful, with the ability to destroy as well as create. We have the power to stop and reverse the tides of time by making our awareness of abuse known to the powers of industry and their uncouth political arms. Only by raising this awareness and promoting personal peace within today's self-defeatist society, can we allow the planet a chance to avoid self-destruction!
Open your eyes, open your mouths, close your hands and make a fist.

--System Of A Down

Where Are The Immortals?

The search for power, the stink of greed.
On humanity and kindness we all feed.
We fantasize, we imagine, we dream,
To height and prosperity we beam.
We look up, see the success in our mind's eye,
See all the things that money can buy.
We grasp, we choke, we smother,
And to look back we don't even bother.
We snatch the innocent, crush the good,
We push anything that on our way stood.
We stamp, we kill, we steal,
Then we just plan our next meal.
We destruct the pure, we destroy all beauty,
Try to find a way to escape mortality.
The stench is getting strong, nausea is taking over,
But only some can smell it, they don't run for cover.
Those who see, those who know,
Those who haven't stooped so low.
Those who hold, who grip, but with care,
Those who come out of their lair.
They are the immortal, they are the gods,
They don't wait until He nods.
But where has all the goodness gone?
Crushed, destroyed... what have we done?
We close our eyes, tears of blood fall down,
In seas of delirium and fantasy we drown.
But we are humans, after all. We never learn.
When will the immortals take me while I burn?

By Obsession Pathetique, 10th September 2005

21 Questions

1. Now tell me, don't we all live with our eyes closed?
2. Isn't our mind completely protected?
3. Will we never open our eyes, mind and heart?
4. Where is Lady Justice when we need her?
5. Are we always surrounded by false dreams?
6. Why do we care so much about ourselves?
7. "Hold my breath as I wish for death"- why has the Lady abandoned us?
8. What future is there for us, when all we close our eyes to is death and destruction?
9. Are they really kind?
10. Why do some know and others ignore- and yet some others don't even realize?
11. Is all they see perfection?
12. Are they even happy?
13. Where is the limit to selfishness and greed?
14. And what is there to gain?
15. Why are we so completely absorbed in ourselves?
16. Why do people not understand?
17. Why do they cover their ears, close their eyes, shut their minds and protect their hearts?
18. What are they hoping for?
19. Why do these people who understand and realize act so indirectly?
20. Why am I asking these questions, if they will never be understood anyway?
21. Do you even care?

Yes, peoples

Yes, peoples, I have left this blog unattended for far too long.
I'm sorry!!
Well I've been all busy with school, have all the great teachers... except Mr. Saab, who I don't have :( Sad, sad.
So what am I supposed to write about? How great school is? You don't wanna hear that.
Watch this space

Rembrandt

You are right. It was despicable the way I left you. Worse, it was cowardly. I promise you that when we meet again, I shall let you say all you have to say.
I myself have this theory about Rembrandt. I have spent many hours studying his paintings everywhere- in Amsterdam, Chicago, New York, or wherever I find them- and I do believe as I told you that so many great souls could not have existed as Rembrandt's paintings would have us believe.
This is my theory, and please bear in mind when you read it that it accommodates all the elements involved. And this accommodation used to be the measure of the elegance of theories... before the word "science" came to mean what it means today.
I believe that Rembrandt sold his soul to the Devil when he was a young man. It was a simple bargain. The Devil promised to make Rembrandt the most famous painter of his time. The Devil sent hordes of mortals to Rembrandt for portraits. He gave wealth to Rembrandt, he gave him a house in Amsterdam, a wife and later a mistress, because he was sure he would have Rembrandt's soul in the end.
But Rembrandt had been changed by his encounter with the Devil. Having seen such undeniable evidence of evil, he found himself obsessed with the question What is good? He searched the faces of his subjects for their inner divinity; and to his amazement he was able to see the spark of it in the most unworthy of men.
His skill was such- and please understand, he had got no skill from the Devil; the skill was his to begin with- that not only could he see that goodness, he could paint it; he could allow his knowledge of it, and his faith in it, to suffuse the whole.
With each portrait he understood the grace and goodness of mankind ever more deeply. He understood the capacity for compassion and for wisdom which resides in every soul. His skill increased as he continued; the flash of the infinite became ever more subtle; the person himself ever more particular; and more grand and serene and magnificent each work.
At last the faces Rembrandt painted were not flesh-and-blood faces at all. They were spiritual countenances, portraits of what lay within the body of the man or the woman; they were visions of what that person was at his or her finest hour, of what that person stood to become.
This is why the merchants of the Drapers' Guild look like the oldest and wisest of God's saints.
But nowhere is this spiritual depth and insight more clearly manifest than in Rembrandt's self-portraits. And surely you know that he left us one hundred and twenty-two of these.
Why do you think he painted so many? They were his presonal plea to God to note the progress of this man who, through his close observation of others like him, had been completely religiously transformed. "This is my vision," said Rembrandt to God.
Towards the end of Rembrandt's life, the Devil grew suspicious. He did not want his minion to be creating such magnificent paintings, so full of warmth and kindness. He had believed the Dutch to be a materialistic and therefore wordly people. And here in pictures full of rich clothing and expensive possessions, gleamed the undeniable evidence that human beings are wholly unlike any other animal in the cosmos- they are precious mingling of flesh and immortal fire.
Well, Rembrandt suffered all the abuse heaped upon him by the Devil. He lost his fine house in the Jodenbreestraat. He lost his mistress, and finally even his son. Yet on and on he painted, without a trace or bitterness or perversity; on and on he infused his paintings with love.
Finally he lay on his deathbed. The Devil pranced about, gleefully, ready to snatch Rembrandt's soul and pinch it between his evil little fingers. But the angels and saints cried out for God to intervene.
"In all the world, who knows more about goodness?" they asked, pointed at the dying Rembrandt. "Who has shown more than this painter? We look to his portraits when we would know the divine in man."
And so God broke the pact between Rembrandt and the Devil. He took to himself the soul of Rembrandt, and the Devil, so recently cheated of Faust for the very same reason, went mad with rage.
Well, he would bury the life of Rembrandt in obscurity. He would see to it that all the man's personal possessions and records were swallowed by the great flow of time. And that is of course why we know almost nothing of Rembrandt's true life, or what sort of person he was.
But the Devil could not control the fate of the paintings. Try as he might, he could make people burn them, throw them away, or set them aside for the newer, more fashionable artists. In fact, a curious thing happened, seemingly without a marked beginning. Rembrandt became the most admired of all painters who had ever lived; Rembrandt became the greatest painter of all time.
That is my theory of Rembrandt and those faces.
Now if I were mortal, I would write a novel about Rembrandt, on this theme. But I am not mortal. I cannot save my soul through art or Good Works. I am a creature like the devil, with one difference. I love the paintings of Rembrandt!
Yet it breaks my heart to look at them. It broke my heart to see you there in the museum. And you are perfectly right that there are no vampires with faces like the saints of the Drapers' Guild.
That's why I left you so rudely in the museum. It was not the Devil's Rage. It was merely sorrow.
Again, I promise you that next time we meet, I shall let you say all that you want to say

(A letter from Lestat to David, from The Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice)

BACK

I never appeciated how good it feels to be back!
After a month of travelling, I can honestly say that Dubai is where I'm the happiest. Ok, so maybe Metallica are never coming here, but this is still the place I know as home.
Russia was boring. The 3 weeks went on and on, and all I did was watch T.V. and play on the computer. I think I might have tried every single card arrangement of solitaire.
Austria was much better. We had a tour every day, lived in a hotel next to a delicious Chinese restaurant, a few steps away from Vienna's train stations Wastbahnhof. Nice.
We also visited Baden, where I was inspired by one of Beethoven's dwelling places.
Then we had a trip to Salsburg, where Mozart was born, and where he lived as well. Busy busy.
On the very last day we dropped in on Gratz, a very interesting city.
But still, nowhere beats Dubai. Now I just need to have a talk with Metallica's manager about their next (?) tour.

My World

I live in my own world,
where no-one can touch me,
no-one can harm me,
I live far away from reality.

I walk as if in a dream,
expecting things that cannot be.
Nothing is what it seems,
I cannot open my eyes to see.

I am protected, defended.
I'm locked inside my thoughts.
I won't let anyone in, isolated.
I don't trust anyone, I cannot.

I rely entirely on my emotions.
I feel that no-one understands me.
Constant are my never-ending devotions,
Why can't anyone just let me be?

I am left alone, forgotten.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
Everything is left, rotten.
It's never enough, why do I ask for more?

All I have to myself is this.
Listen, I say, I am talking!
Who ever said that ignorance is bliss?
But they just carry on, walking.

I want to be taken seriously,
I want everyone to understand.
I can't spend my life alone, in misery.
But all they do is misunderstand.

This pain, loneliness is forever with me.
I want my closest to feel me.
I want their help, they ignore me.
If not them, who else can there be?

Despair gives way to numbness
I can't feel anything anymore.
That's why I live in a world of dreams,
where nothing is real anymore

By Obsession Pathetique, 7th July 2005

Goals

My Goals in Life:

1. To see Metallica live in concert.

Not that it's going to fulfill, or anything. Just wishful thinking. But then again, I'm going to do my best to see them. If they don't come to Dubai, well, then I'll travel to America just to see them.

The only thing that scares me is... time. Time is running out, and Metallica aren't getting any younger. Oh, I wish they come here.

Feeling depressed :(

Loverman

L is for LOVE, baby
O is for ONLY you and that I do
V is for loving VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING that you are
E is for loving almost EVERYTHING that you do
R is for RAPE me
M is for MURDER me
A is for ANSWERING all of my prayers
N is for KNOWING your loverman's going to be the answer to all of yours

I'll say it again

L is for LOVE, baby
O is for Oh yes I do
V is for VIRTUE, so I ain't gonna hurt you
E is for EVEN if you want me to
R is for RENDER unto me, baby
M is for that which is MINE
A is for ANY old how, darling
N is for ANY old time

Loverman, Garage Inc., Metallica

Lexus

Formulae

1. Christina = Dana's psychologist
2. Christina + Dana = Late night talks about life. (We came up with a formula of our own: No honey = no money)
3. Christina + Kristoffer = Olympic skaters Chrystal and Christian (who will get their mothers genes and consequently forget their father's birthday is 13th July, not June).
4. Christina + Elephants = Rabbits
5. Christina + Basim = not something I want to think about
6. Christina + Jerome = The Thing That Should Not Be
7. Christina + Vova = World War III
8. (Christina + N.E.R.D./Breathe) + (Dana + Metallica) + (Basim + Linkin Park) = 3(Nirvana)
9. Christina + Julia Alieva = World War IV
10. Christina + Skating = Obsession

Good Omens

In fact the only things in the flat Crowley devoted any personal attention to were the houseplants. They were huge and green and glorious, with shiny, healthy, lustrous leaves.
This was because, once a week, Crowley went around the flat with a green plastic plant mister, spraying the leaves, and talking to the plants.
He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did.
What he did was put the fear of God into them.
More precisely, the fear of Crowley.
In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt or browning, or just didn't look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants. 'Say goodbye to your friend,' he'd say to them. 'He just couldn't cut it...'
Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large, empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat.
The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified.

From Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

MORE about ME

The x's are for things I HAVE done. (From Rishone's blog ----> click over there, you know you want to)
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of your parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) been to Europe
( ) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
( ) been moshing at a concert
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
( ) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
( ) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
( ) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) petted a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
( ) ran a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) madeout with a member of the same sex
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
( ) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
( ) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) sung karaoke
( ) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed penis in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
( ) have a little black dress
( ) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didnt take a shower for a week
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have had more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) gone skinny dipping
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someones name
( ) slept naked
( ) French braided someones hair
( ) grown a beard

A Certain Person

Everyone has a best friend.
Well, most of the time is best friends, plural, but there's always one you feel attached to the most, the one who understands you the best.
I found mine in Grade 5. I remember clearly I immediately envied her blonde, straight hair. Why couldn't I have straight hair? It wasn't fair.
We had so much in common, yet we were so different. We were both book-worms, spent most of our time in the school library. In grade 5 we were very similar. It's now that we changed.
I can't say who was the "leader" in this frienship. I guess neither was. We made all our decisions together, and most of the time it wasn't a problem, we usually agreed on everything. But at the same time we didn't. It was a strange relationship.
Now she's definitely more out-going than I am. It used to be the opposite. We both like to speak our minds. And she's brutally honest. Like if you're wearing something that's not very nice, and ask me about it, I'd say "It's OK", she'd say, "NO WAY, take that OFF".
It was also the kind of friendship where we hardly ever fought. Yes, obviously, we had our little arguments, but it was never very serious. I don't know how we managed as we were, or rather are, very stubborn.
And even though we left our separate ways, (well, I did, anyway), she's always the first one I call when I need advice. She never refused to listen when I talked on and on about this and that. I think I was always the talker, and she, the listener. She knows me best, and she knows what kind of things I need to hear to calm me down.
We'd been through a lot together. But that was never a problem, because everyone has problems once in a while. It's telling your friend about them that's really important, because keeping them to yourself would never help.
Believe me, I know.