What You Want And REALLY Don't Need

What do you do, when there's something you want, but every instinct in your body tells you it's wrong? And not just your own body, but even the people around you?

That's the thing about short-term gratification. Goddamn it, it's good. And it's so good, you don't want to think about consequences. You don't want to think about what it means and philosophical questions like that. I'm going to get hurt afterwards? Who cares? Give me what I want, and give it to me now.

And so comes the state of mind where you are reeling from one extreme to the other. First you tell yourself, are you stupid? You know you can't do this. How are you even considering it?

And then the other extreme goes, are you stupid? You've got a great opportunity here. How can you pass up this chance, and when the hell are you going to get it again?

And forget about having an objective viewpoint. In situations like this, everything is clouded by what you want. You can justify almost anything if you want it enough, and forget about who you are, what you might look like to other people, and what consequences you'll face later.

So what the hell are you supposed to do? Maybe one side is clearly more “right” than the other... but isn't life all about squeezing the drops out of every second?

"Calm the mind, the longing never ends... not while you're human" - Cynic

Old Friends Die Hard

This time last year, I was in the process of losing a very dear, and very old friend. Of course, at the time, I didn't know it was happening. But I realise now that the outcome was inevitable, and circumstances were such that the “break-up” was unavoidable.

It hurts to lose someone as close to you as that, it really does. I have a tendency, I've noticed, to give myself completely to one person – to love them unconditionally and to favour them above all others – openly and unashamedly. It's almost as if I'm giving my life to their hands – my fears, my hopes, my dreams, everything – and saying, “Here. I trust you – you will guard me.”

And when someone becomes as an integrated part of your life as he did – playing a significant role in the way I think, feel, and who I am in general – the loss of that kind of friendship is a real shock. More so than a romantic relationship, because at least then – you know there are more reasons to break things off. In a frienship, things are much more simple, so a break would occur only out of something really quite serious.

We were both at bad points in our lives at the time, but I think neither of us knew it. We ended up taking it out on each other in a passive aggressive way. And it sucks, it sucks because we couldn't be there for each other, we didn't understand what was happening. And it sucks beyond belief that if I see him now, we will acknowledge each other; coldly – and then look the other way.

But such is the nature of life, right? The stronger you love someobody, the harder it is when you lose them. And it's so bitter, to know that somebody you would've done anything for is now gone. You can't do anything but learn your lessons from it and move on, but still make sure you honour the part they've played in your life.

Divergence of Art

Very rarely do I not have my iPod in the car. On these occasions, I'm either updating it, charging it, or, quite simply, I've forgotten it. And then I have to resort to listening to some radio.

And every time I do this, I realise it would be better to sit in silence than listen to the stuff they're currently playing. It's either a rap song with a female chorus, or some love song, or a song about being tough and overcoming challenges... the bottom line is, it's all generic, it's all manufactured, it's all fake, and it's all got the same formula. Even if you forget the music, there are hardly any voices that are worth listening to. Basically, every song is the carbon copy of the next.

The paradox is, at the same time, there's some really inspiring music going on behind the scenes, by bands that get unjustly little coverage. Even in the spheres of rock and metal, music is becoming dangerously bland. But find a niche, some band that you are introduced to by a friend, invariably, and suddenly a whole world opens. Call it progressive, call it post-rock, experimental, avant-garde – even spiritual sometimes, these bands really are pushing the boundaries of music and doing things that haven't ever been done before. And it's inspirational.

Music, like all art, is a reflection of society. Just like baroque, classical and romantic eras of art, not just music but painting and architecture, were indicators of where the society of those times were. And the same can be said for today's culture: on one hand, we have the generic, mass-manufactured clothes, food, and therefore also music, but on the other- in a striking contrast that is almost alarming, we have the freedom to think, to talk, to experiment – the lines are not as clear as they used to be. And so art and music reflect that, becoming much more surreal, more abstract, more open to interpretation. This dichotomy reflects who we are as people, and the dramatic difference between the two.

And so, as I'd inevitably switch off the radio and think about this curiousity, I am relieved to know that at least the dichotomy exists. At the same time, maybe it can't not exist – maybe there will always be people who go against the flow and try new things. And this is the kind of music, and all other forms of art, that inspires you, changes your life even. It opens your eyes, wakes you up, makes you think. It's not a melody that you forget in a year or two, or hollow words that don't mean a thing and were just written to rhyme – this becomes an extension of your self, and your memories, and takes part in shaping who you are. And you can never go back on something like that – even if you change, it will always be a part of your past.