It has been an intense year. Sometimes intensely up, sometimes intensely down.
It feels like the year where most has happened to me- the biggest changes, the biggest realizations. I have made decisions that have now placed me on the path I'm treading, but where it leads to I don't know.
As always, it is hard for me think of a year in non-academic terms. It's usually September- June, and then that big irrelevant gap in the middle. I guess that says a lot about what I think is important, and lately I have come to realise just how much emphasis I put on education, and how much I genuinely enjoy being part of academic life.
The previous new year was met in the middle of my time at LSE. Yesterday, my brother told me that the way you meet the new year is the way you will be spending it, and it seems that last time it was true. I had met so many new people over the year, but not many lasted. I kept a few close by. So far, 2011 predicts the opposite with the many, old familiar faces, and I do hope it will be true.
There is not a month I can think of from the previous year that does not bring up intense memories and emotions. From new experiences to exhaustion, understanding to embarrassments, joys, family illnesses, depression- it's all in there, both good and bad. But as always, there are no regrets. Everything I've been through is a result of the past and the decisions I've made, and I would not change any of them. I am who I am, and to change the past would be to change who I was.
The strongest feeling now for me is that things are changing. I'm on the very cusp, that point in my life that will determine a lot of the future. It feels like the right moment to make conscious changes, as well as acknowledge those that were not. Everything that has happened has led up to this- the decision to allow change. Change in friendships as I let go of those that have no meaning anymore, change in relationships as I wipe a clean slate, change in family as I strengthen the ties with those who matter most. Changes as I try to let things flow on their own, to let the pieces fall instead of attempt to catch them all and place them my way.
Most of all, it will mean acceptance. And that will be the hardest thing to do.
